Fancy Truffles

Oh those fancy truffles. They fascinate me, whenever I walk by them, locked in a glass box  displayed on rice grains or some kind of hay, for fine appreciative gourmet palates. If they weren't labeled properly, they could easily pass for a pile of poop that can cost up to $2,000 per pound..

I strangely had too many occurrences of people seeing me as poop when I was in fact...a person? :P

For a very short period of time ( not short enough for me, in retrospect), back in college, I was "seeing" this guy who simply refused to acknowledge who I was. ( "Who are you???" I can hear you ask that after reading this. Well, definitely NOT JUST what he thought I was. lol). He could not get pass my ethnicity because he sort of had an Asian girl fetish. I'm not saying that it was all he was into, but he seemed to have a bucket list of things and people to conquer before he died and "Asian girl" must have been on that list. It did not matter what I liked and was passionate about. He would treat me the way he thought and expected all stereotypical Asian girls should think and behave. He didn't even see a tiny bit of my personality, which amazes me since I'm not the quiet and shy kind of person. I made our platonic back and forth last longer than it should just out of curiosity and boredom, I presume. At that age, I was so hungry about learning and discovering myself, and despite the fact that I knew it was clearly going to end absolutely nowhere decent, I still hung out with him to try to understand what was going on in his head. It was obviously a waste of time since in the end, all he was was a complete delusional manipulator. He treated me like poop while I had more layers to me ( clothing AND in the multi-dimension meta sort of speech). I could have been explored at a higher level of curiosity, like those fancy truffles. But it was easier for him to just believe I was easy poop for him to check off his list. I'm not saying I'm fancy like those truffles, but I have definitely more than meets the eye. All this guy cared about what my squinty "not so squinty" eyes. Thankfully I didn't give him any satisfaction so unless he scored an Asian girl after me, that little box on his list is still unchecked. *DEEP SIGH*.

Another example was back when I was working at my parent's convenience store. Our customers just assumed that my family was probably struggling, stranded in long retail hours. They made so many assumptions ( let me specify that it was a very rough neighborhood). They assumed we weren't educated or were poor (we weren't rich, but definitely not poor). They assumed that I would spend my entire life stuck in that store and would take over later on and never go to College. They clearly did not know my family history and why we were doing what we were doing, which we had no interest in sharing with them anyways. The few who discovered we lived in a nice family single home in the suburbs, while both my brother and I attended private schools since our early ages seemed in ultimate shock. It's also funny how many assume that immigrants move to America by choice to pursue the American Dream. My family were living the Asian dream before it all went to hell...They were forced to flee their country and start back from square one and rebuild themselves.

All of these situations above, I could see why that dude and our customers would treat me and family that way, based on sad stereotypes. But my last example is what shockes me the most.

I had this friend who lived near our house and I thought we were getting pretty close. Her self-confidence has always been the lowest but I never thought she wanted to become my friend thinking I was like her. (I am not judging people with low self-esteem, just acknowledging how it could become a problem, but I believe being a very confident person overall).  I hear "misery loves company" but that is accurate if misery accurately identified another misery. In our case, I think she has mistaken me with a another potential sad person who could relate to her. I did care about her though a lot, back then, and really wished her confidence level would boost up. She was a good friend for most times, despite strange things she would say and do at times. But here is what happened last year, when it all went down:

Last year, I got very ill. And my husband just found out the very same week that his company was laying of hundreds of employees and his departement would be affected. They gave him four months to seek elsewhere for a new job, after working there for eleven years. I went and sought comfort in my friend and shared with her all my worries and mentioned dramatically how I didn't want to become homeless. We only had one income, and I was expecting another baby on the way. A good friend would have said "Don't talk silly. Hubby will find a job since his resume is so rock solid" or "You guys will be fine" out of comfort or encouragement. Instead this is what she responded to me "Oh Davine, I would still come visit you if you were homeless" Oh, how generous of you, I thought. < insert sarcasm here>. She said and did plenty of other strange things, but I am not going to detail it all on this single post...

And then, our lives turned around miraculously and my health problems became quickly part of the past. My dear hubby landed on his feet and found a new and even more stimulating job, as we discovered he was underpaid this entire time. So it was a blessing in disguise and we built a new house and moved into a lovely new neighborhood. I have not heard from this friend since. A little bit in the beginning, when we just moved. She made flaky plans that always fell through. But now, she is gone completely. I'm not sure if this case was a poop vs truffle situation, but she clearly couldn't handle going from the person who would come visit me, without a home,  to the one realizing we were ok finally and are actually at our happiest now. I could almost feel her being bitter about it, when I thought she would be happy for us, as a real friend should.

I will not complain about being perceived as poop though. Better than the other way around where people could think I'm truffle but finally decide I'm poop....

Hearty Beef Stew

It is that time of the year again, when I start noticing steamy smoke coming out of my mouth as my world appears to frost all around me. I surprised hearing myself saying more than I should, regretting words that I said because of feeling invisible in Siberia, and craving warmth from my dearest friends and family. It is that time of the year when I become homesick and the urge of recreating what I once called "home"  are consuming me whole...

While I was demonstrating to my four year old how to pace himself with his hot boiling beef stew, it suddenly hit me that I was myself scarfing down the food, and that he probably mimicked that bad habit from watching me. And then, I realized I was not only rushing and not taking the time to wait for my soup to cool off, I also did not take the appropriate time to enjoy the warmth of each spoonful of all the things I had to be thankful for, and bolted throughout copious areas of my life.

It seemed that the illness which troubled me last year has implanted a sort of cooking timer in my heart, as if I was going to run out of time. I have been rushing since, rushing to finally start this book I always dreamed of writing, rushing to find deeper and deeper purpose and meaning to my life, and mostly, rushing into my relationships, new and old. I found myself opening too much and too fast to new people, as if I was speed dating and only had five minutes to show them my character in the hope that there will be a match. And all these new social media platforms such as Facebook give you the illusion that you know or connect with someone by discovering things and reading thoughts that would normally never be revealed this soon and out of any context. We are all knowing too much yet, still learn too little.  All of this overwhelming amount of virtual love combined with resentment towards those who really been loving me but didn't "support me in public" have been fogging my world view and perception of who truly cares and what type of relationships we were having.  As much as I am thankful for all the old friends I have reconnected with, it also made me very confused and vulnerable to being too exposed and exposing myself too much to certain people who ended up not worthy of my devoted friendly attentions.

I am now making this vow to myself in taking mindful slow steps, breathing through my emotions and perceptions when getting to know someone and embracing the natural pace of any bond that comes along with any new person I encounter. Strangely, I was much wiser when finding true love and not rushing into any relationships but I didn't apply those same rules when it came to making new friends.

For those who hurt me, I will let things simmer. From now on, I will choose to only surround myself with those who want to truly spend time with me, and perhaps, one day, we will grow a bond that will allow us to simply enjoy each other's company in the most mutual, comfortable and comforting way. There is nothing more true and pure than being able to have comfortable silences with a friend, even from a distance.

My dear old friends who know me inside out, I miss our comfortable silences. I also miss being able to be different from you without compromising our trust in each other. I miss feeling needed and never having to come up with an excuse to see each other. I miss being with you because you enjoyed my company, laughing hysterically together, exchanging thoughts and ideologies while savoring new flavors together for hours without looking at the time. I did not realize how scarce this type of exchange would become as I grow older, and as people are more weary of their time spent...Because never before I would have thought someone would not want to come see me because they weren't in the mood for what I was about to cook for them, when it was really all about spending time together in the first place...

Chicken Soup for the Dog Lover's Soul

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. ~Ben Williams

Acquiring a dog may be the only opportunity a human ever has to choose a relative  ~ Mordecai Siegal

I think dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love. For me, they are the role model for being alive. ~ Gilda Radner

The dog is the only animal that has seen his god. ~Author Unknown

My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am  ~ Author Unknown

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.  ~ Roger Caras

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.  ~Ambrose Bierce

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.  ~Author Unknown

Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot little puppies.  ~Gene Hill

Sweet Roxie, our furry friend, you will be missed. I hope you will find millions of happy treats, yummy bones and larges fields to run around in dog heaven.  Rest in peace little Roxie. You lived a nice long happy life and were very well loved. :*(

Granola Bars

When granola bars became more popular and started invading all my friend's lunch boxes, I was probably the only one out there who disliked them. I just didn't understand what was so great about them. They could never satisfy me. If I craved for something sweet, I'd rather eat a candy bar than a granola bar. If I wanted a healthy snack, I'd rather go for an apple or any other fruit. Granola bars are part of this annoying "in between category" that I cannot stand. Not sweet, nor salty, not completely junk nor healthy, not crunchy, nor soft, nor melty or crispy. Just IN BETWEEN. I cannot imagine a day where I would wake up and crave for something that is nothing. Granola bars are too ambivalent for me. I know what I want and most of my cravings are very clearly defined.

Unfortunately, one of my old friends is a granola bar to me. It took me several years to realize she was a granola bar. We labeled ourselves as super friends when we were very young, but never shared anything in common really. She has known me for the longest time, but it does not mean she ever dug me. As another close friend said to me when I was really upset one evening, "Davine, you have many friends who fulfill different roles in your life, but you know your granola friend was never the one to understand and support your aspirations".

This granola bar friend has never been there for me...well, not emotionally there. She would make sure to be there for really important times like when I got married or pregnant since this is what she believes what good friends are for. That is what makes her a decent friend to keep around I guess...She would be there physically, but never in thoughts. She is an awful listener and constantly judged me but I know I can rely on her to be there at my funeral since she shows up at all the most important life events...

She knows nothing about me now and has put me in a box as if she had me all figured out. It seems like I am solely part of her archives, but will never show up in her present or future plans. When we talk, all we do is reminisce about the past, but we clearly do not share anything interesting from our current lives. Like a granola bar, she isn't toxic, or bad for me. But she's not good either and our relationship isn't the healthiest. It is hard to know where to stand with a granola bar friend since she never did anything bad enough to make me want to get her out of my life...but now, I am wondering where I could even fit her into my life.

When I got seriously ill over the summer, instead of listening and empathizing with me, she was too busy correcting my French translation of the disease diagnosis rather than supporting me while I was opening myself to her and crying all the tears out of my body. She never takes anything I say or do seriously. Even the disease itself, where I had to get seven surgeries, she still thought all I had was a little infection. If she doesn't take what I went through seriously, it is clear to me now that she will never change.

Every time I share with her a new passion, or a new project I am tackling, she would interrupt me to say she isn't interested in listening to anything nor reading anything I wrote until it was truly serious and published, for example. I am tempted to tell her, whenever she comes to vent to me about her relationship, that I am not interested in listening to her personal problems until she gets married and not waste my time since it doesn't seem serious...her guy could just walk out of her life anytime, so why bother me with her non serious matters? Why are we even friends if we do not want to be there to support and encourage each other?

In her eyes, I was always too dramatic, too paranoid, too defensive, too emotional. Well, I now look back and understand that I was never too anything. I was just me. She simply appreciated nothing about me nor cared to understand and discover my character. I am now keeping my distances from her. I am tired of her craving for my friendship whenever she gets pregnant. It seems like it is the only time she remembers I exist and suddenly seeks for my comfort. I am sorry but now that I know she is just like any other granola bar, I will stay away from her. That is one thing that at least she knows, is how much I despise granola bars...Do not worry that she will find this post and recognize herself. That would be too great actually. But she's such a wonderful friend [insert sarcasm here] that she has NEVER read any single one of my blog posts.

She is not a bad person, but she is not someone I want to spend more of my loving energy on. Life is too short to waste it one someone who never hit any spot...I don't feel like she deserves my committed friendship because when I love someone, I love with passion. I could never enjoy granola bars with passion. I just can't...

Coq au Vin people really need to eat some humble pie...

"Whatever makes us feel superior to other people, whatever tempts us to convey a sense of superiority, that is the gravity of our sinful nature, not grace. " Phillip Yancey

Haven't we all met obnoxious people with manifestations of a superiority complex? I try to tune off their behavior, especially when they fish so blatantly for compliments. I already promised my grandmother that I would never go fishing, since she believed it would take away some brownie points from my karma. (the whole killing a living thing with my bare hands sort-of-thing)... :P Ok, I digress...

The sad part about people with a superiority complex is that beneath that proud golden crust lies a gooey person who truly suffered from an inferiority complex and decided to act superior to mask his inferiority. Overcompensating a flaw just makes it worst most of the time. Even when they know they feel miserable from within, it doesn't seem to stop them from acting arrogant. I find their attitude very appalling but at least, I try not to let it drain me anymore.

It is wonderful to feel a new sense of confidence, but not to confuse it with arrogance. Looking at ourselves in the mirror does not mean gloating at our reflection and looking down on others, but seeing our true self and working on strengthening our weaknesses. Or at least, learn to bake and eat some humble pie...

Settling with a burp :P

I often wonder why us humans need closure for everything. Life would be so much easier if we didn't need closure. Why is it so painful when a relationship ends abruptly or does not turn out the way we expected?

We seem to need closure as much as a baby needs to be burped. After a nice bonding time, whether that comforting milk turned sour or not, it won't sit well in the the stomach unless babies are burped. As we grow older, it seems like that need to be burped follows us all the way to our relationships...When we end a relationship with someone, the pain of losing that person does not sit well unless we throw up everything we need to say or resolve with that person, or settle with a pacific and satisfying "burp". (ok, I admit, this burping analogy is more than far fetched...but since I try to remain in a somewhat "food" theme...and of course, newborn care is so on my mind these days.... :P).

What is closure to you? We all want something different. To me, closure is when both people know why it has ended. There are no more questions to be asked and there isn't anything left to say. It is when you are comfortable as to how things ended and whether it hurts or not, you know the reason and understand it. To others, closure is leaving on good terms. I guess it all depends on the type of relationship you had with that person.

Do we ever have full closure though? Even when we end up confronting that person? So maybe in the end, we shouldn't need it so much. Everyone I know who are in pain (including me with some relationships) is because of that need for closure. I am getting better at learning to let go but it may take a lifetime to learn to be zen and really focus all my energy on more productive and enriching things. Closure is only great when both sides cooperate, but we cannot hold on to that need forever if it doesn't get resolved. We must find a way to let go and move on with our lives.

"You cannot reach for anything new if your hands are still full of yesterday's junk".

I hope this quote inspired you. :)

When life throws you coconuts...

They hit you hard and you're not too sure what they are until things settle down...I could only feel the pain from their impact and glimpse at a bunch of hard-shelled hairy balls that resemble pooey missiles around me. This past summer was so warm and while I felt like I was in paradise island, this coconut attack nearly paralyzed me (figure of speech). That's until you crack those nuts open and realize they are fruits from heaven with amazing virtues and rich elements...

The second half of my Summer was a true medical nightmare, hence this entire month forced hiatus on this blog. I missed writing to you but I had no strength, could not bring my thoughts together and share uplifting words. Not back then. Dealing with all this pain and fear, while being thirty weeks pregnant at the same time and trying to still be a decent mother to my sweet toddler, was the biggest challenge of my life so far. My body could take so many surgeries and I must say, five within a month was far too many.

But like I said, when life throws coconut at you, you dodge and try to make sense of it. Then, you seek for ways to exploit those coconuts. I found some cracked coconuts and realized not only hard and violent things can come out of this painful experience. Once I dig deep into the fruit, I found strength. I pride myself in my strength to overcome this journey. And I got to clearly see how wonderful my family was, how united and loving they are. Those coconuts turned from being missiles to being food for the soul. We can do so much with coconuts once we learn how to prepare it, cook with it, or even pamper yourself with it. I believe I grew stronger from this and I have much greater respect for anyone who has been hospitalized. Any life experience is only understood once we live it, just like driving and parenting I guess....

A Very Special Serving Dish ♥

Gaetan Tyler was a very talented tailor who worked on multiple projects at Les Grands Ballets Canadiens De Montréal. He used to live right next to our convenience store and became very close to our family. My mother would get her traditional Cambodian corsets made by him in exchange for some groceries that they would tally up against the costume construction cost.

Gaetan is the one who made most of my curtains, duvet cover and shower curtains in my entire house. Everywhere I look, I think of him. He was instrumental for helping me build this cozy home. He will be greatly missed. He left this world a couple years ago already and I only found out nearly a year after, since my mother didn't want to upset me. I had no clue he passed away as I moved to the D.C area,

so I never really had full closure on what truly happened to him.

As our wedding anniversary is approaching, my heart and thoughts go to him even more. He also made all of my seven wedding dresses and traditional corsets. (*this post is more difficult to write than I expected....sigh). I miss him. As a wedding gift, he offered me a very valuable serving dish that was passed along for generations in his family. I felt so honored to have received this crystal serving dish, with a silver rim and loaded with symbols for a prosperous mariage. If I recall his words correctly, the fish, olives, the rose and the root represent romance, fertility, prosperity and health. As his life partner and him didn't plan on adopting any children, Gaetan decided to pass along his family tradition to me so I can pass it on to my own children later on.

May your soul rest in peace my dear friend. We all really miss you, but thankfully, we are surrounded by your astounding work all around us, along with many fond memories. :)

This was a song he used to hum to me often while coming to our store...

Expiration Dates

I love how nowadays we know when everything we consume will spoil and become rancid. I know how long I have to eat all that Costco yogurt and cheese we bought. I know how long to keep my milk once it's opened and once it turns bad, so it's no surprise. It's expected.

If only relationships could come with an expiration date displayed from the start...Wouldn't we be more appreciative of what we have if we knew exactly when it would end?

I don't know if I am the only romantic one out there. So romantic that I expect ALL of my relationships to last a life time, and I make dramatic conclusions that they must have not been "meant to be" when those relationships and friendships end. Why did I think they could all last forever? Oh yeah, blame it on those cheesy charms and friendship bracelets labeled, "Friends Forever" which were so popular when I was growing up...

The truth is, friends come and go. People come and go. And even those who never leave us will end up going, us being mortals. So instead of dwelling on the lost ones, I realize now that they have reached their expiration dates probably, but I still can cherish the good times we had. Some rare relationships will last a lifetime, but it was unrealistic of me to expect or even hope to preserve all of them. Even the best ones out there can leave, depending on circumstances. It doesn't even always require a conflict for it to end. I just wished that I would know which would last and which wouldn't. Especially when I enter every new profound relationship with the willingness and eagerness to make it last a lifetime....

Gold Fishes

You cannot expect a gold fish to become a pet. No matter how long you feed it and talk to it, it will not remember a thing. You cannot eat gold fish crackers and call it lunch either. My son would argue with me on that one. But Gold Fish Crackers are not a meal. You can't expect anything from gold fishes. They clutter your counter top, dirty the water tank and swim in circles. Even though you know how lame they are, you can enjoy their non-company and stare at them for hours but that's about it. Cannot expect more from gold fishes. Especially not empathie.

I had a gold fish friend. Well, she was worse than a gold fish because at least, gold fishes do not drain your energy and seek for your help, support and advice all the time. They simply forget. A gold fish friend is worse, since they expect things from you but forget their own role in the relationship. I should have known she was a gold fish this entire time. I know better now and that is all that matters.

Happy Holidays and Happy Festivus to all of you

Growing up, we never really celebrated Christmas, well, not in the traditional sense... It was a great excuse for all to get together for dinner and watch movies, stay up late and eat until we'd have to unbutton our pants.We wouldn't necessarily celebrate every year though. I remember many years, looking through the window to see how other families were celebrating. I never thought we really had a Christmas tradition until this year. We had our tree up, friends over for dinner, a family party and yet, something was still missing. Without the obvious that was missing, which is my family up in Montreal, I was missing a Bûche de Noël (Christmas Yule Log Cake).
Every year, whether we would have a family get together or not, one thing was always present, La Bûche de Noël. My mother would bring it from our store and we would all eat it while talking about all the events that marked the year that was about to end. That Christmas Log Cake was decorated with a plastic axe that I licked the icing or ice cream off of. I never realized its presence in our family tradition until now.
I made an extra effort to not be a curmudgeon and tried to remain mindful of the joy around me, but all I could think about was my beloved grandmother who was admitted to the hospital. This could have been a perfect Christmas. I wish I had a real axe so I could let out my anger. Chopping wood seems so relieving. I miss my grandmother. I miss my family. I can't find any Christmas log cake around here. I will have to settle for a chocolate cake and ice cream, and pretend that I'm eating a Christmas log since I'm such an awful baker...

La Bûche de Noël

Ingredients

• 2 cups heavy cream
• 1/2 cup confectioners' sugar
• 1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 6 egg yolks
• 1/2 cup white sugar
• 1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 1/8 teaspoon salt
• 6 egg whites
• 1/4 cup white sugar
• confectioners' sugar for dusting

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). Line a 10x15 inch jellyroll pan with parchment paper. In a large bowl, whip cream, 1/2 cup confectioners' sugar, 1/2 cup cocoa, and 1 teaspoon vanilla until thick and stiff. Refrigerate.
2. In a large bowl, use an electric mixer to beat egg yolks with 1/2 cup sugar until thick and pale. Blend in 1/3 cup cocoa, 1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla, and salt. In large glass bowl, using clean beaters, whip egg whites to soft peaks. Gradually add 1/4 cup sugar, and beat until whites form stiff peaks. Immediately fold the yolk mixture into the whites. Spread the batter evenly into the prepared pan.
3. Bake for 12 to 15 minutes in the preheated oven, or until the cake springs back when lightly touched. Dust a clean dishtowel with confectioners' sugar. Run a knife around the edge of the pan, and turn the warm cake out onto the towel. Remove and discard parchment paper. Starting at the short edge of the cake, roll the cake up with the towel. Cool for 30 minutes.
4. Unroll the cake, and spread the filling to within 1 inch of the edge. Roll the cake up with the filling inside. Place seam side down onto a serving plate, and refrigerate until serving. Dust with confectioners' sugar before serving.

Well Done

If my heart was a fish net, it would be such a gigantic fish net. I caught so many fishes, great ones and bad ones. I didn't realize that I needed to learn to fish and pick the kind that was fresh, and healthy for me. The fish that would respond to my needs, satiate my appetite. I caught too many fishes over the years and each of them made me so proud. I was so proud of them that I couldn't decipher which was no longer fresh anymore. Now that I am in a bad place, with low energy and omega three, I needed a healthy fish to nourish me, help me feel better but instead, I got food poisoning.
The problem when your friends are like fishes, is that they either have a short memory, don't care, don't dig you or worse, they'll try to eat you whole...
I don't know where I learned to expect this much from my friends. Where it came from. I really wished I didn't care as much about them. My parents always taught me that only family mattered, so, in response, I loved my friends like my family. The longer we remained friends, the more I assumed they knew me. The longer we've still been friends, the more they actually don't. At this point, I'm not sure what still being friends means. We still talk on the phone? We still see each other once a year? What does any of this mean? What is the point in staying friends when the relationship has stopped evolving? The problem is that while they were still current to me, some of them filed me in their archives. Our friendship was long gone, probably even before I left....
I feel lost, and so far from everyone. In times like these, this is when I need my friends. Being so far from everyone I care the most is the hardest thing. Home becomes not home, and the new home feels like an empty room where I can dance freely without the fear of bumping into anyone...because there is no one.
I hung up the phone with a bitter taste in my mouth. You would think that if you kept a friend for over twenty years, that this friendship is mutual, precious and valuable; that it would remain strong despite the distance, that this person would understand, love you and cherish this long lasting friendship? Instead of aging like fine wine, it just turned into cheap stale grape juice.
I'm thinking about cleaning up my pantry. As much as I like to refer to my best friends as my multivitamins, even those have an expiration date on the bottle. I just chose to ignore it for too long. Stick a fork in me, because I'm done.

Cold Snowy Day

It lasted only a moment, when we looked outside our window right at the perfect time to admire our first snow flurries of the year right before it all melted. It would have been a magical moment, watching my son's eyes light up in amazement by this nature's frosted grace. He was adorable and very expressive as usual. It would have been a perfect winter morning if only I could join my loved ones in their snow globe joy. Seeing those frail snow flakes drizzling from the sky made me miss home more than ever. Especially since home spent the night at the hospital and was still there all day and we still haven't heard any news from her. My grandmother is my home. She is the main reason I return to Montreal to visit. The white snow flakes, my grandmother's white hair and Montreal's arctic winters; I was homesick. My dear precious grandmother had to be rushed to the emergency room and I feel like I should be there by her side. My grandmother who could be the inspiration of stories such as Peter Pan, who could be the Rimbaldi remedy in Alias (the magic remedy for eternal life and youth). My grandmother who has never been ill for eighty-three years and had more endurance than most of us. My dear grandmother who raised me and whom I could call my mother...She is the symbol of strength and now, her strength will have to be challenged. So is ours.
To view her as just an old person would be a disservice to her. I always despised people being amazed on how she still had a great memory, and that she didn't show symptoms of aging yet. I despised the assumption that being old meant limiting the perception of a person to her age group. She is far more than that. She is a person I respect and know very well, her tastes, her thoughts. She has a strong opinion of the world, strong convictions. Until she shows real signs of aging and health problems, I want people to talk about her like anybody else: as a whole person. No one would say about me that they are amazed I didn't sound loopy yet, or how I still have strength. My grandmother never showed any signs of physical weakness so why bring this up and limit her to the typical old person when we could talk about her great contributions to this world and her legacy.
I know in my heart that she will be fine, that she is a fighter no matter what she has. However, I am now sad that this period I was dreading of her aging taking over her seems to have manifested. I am even sadder when opening up to friends about her, how instead of hearing me out, and meeting me where I am emotionally, how they would talk about her as if she was already gone. Or worse, how they would turn immediately to their own stories on how they lost their grandparents or how normal it is to lose them at some point, as if I wasn't already aware of this inevitability. Focusing on the actual case without projection seems to be a rare virtue...
A pregnant woman does not want to hear about fetal problems, while she is busy nesting and maximizing the most positive energy towards the health of her newborn. I do not want to hear about her being gone when I am hoping that my grandmother would still live another hundred years.