It is that time of the year again, when I start noticing steamy smoke coming out of my mouth as my world appears to frost all around me. I surprised hearing myself saying more than I should, regretting words that I said because of feeling invisible in Siberia, and craving warmth from my dearest friends and family. It is that time of the year when I become homesick and the urge of recreating what I once called "home" are consuming me whole...
While I was demonstrating to my four year old how to pace himself with his hot boiling beef stew, it suddenly hit me that I was myself scarfing down the food, and that he probably mimicked that bad habit from watching me. And then, I realized I was not only rushing and not taking the time to wait for my soup to cool off, I also did not take the appropriate time to enjoy the warmth of each spoonful of all the things I had to be thankful for, and bolted throughout copious areas of my life.
It seemed that the illness which troubled me last year has implanted a sort of cooking timer in my heart, as if I was going to run out of time. I have been rushing since, rushing to finally start this book I always dreamed of writing, rushing to find deeper and deeper purpose and meaning to my life, and mostly, rushing into my relationships, new and old. I found myself opening too much and too fast to new people, as if I was speed dating and only had five minutes to show them my character in the hope that there will be a match. And all these new social media platforms such as Facebook give you the illusion that you know or connect with someone by discovering things and reading thoughts that would normally never be revealed this soon and out of any context. We are all knowing too much yet, still learn too little. All of this overwhelming amount of virtual love combined with resentment towards those who really been loving me but didn't "support me in public" have been fogging my world view and perception of who truly cares and what type of relationships we were having. As much as I am thankful for all the old friends I have reconnected with, it also made me very confused and vulnerable to being too exposed and exposing myself too much to certain people who ended up not worthy of my devoted friendly attentions.
I am now making this vow to myself in taking mindful slow steps, breathing through my emotions and perceptions when getting to know someone and embracing the natural pace of any bond that comes along with any new person I encounter. Strangely, I was much wiser when finding true love and not rushing into any relationships but I didn't apply those same rules when it came to making new friends.
For those who hurt me, I will let things simmer. From now on, I will choose to only surround myself with those who want to truly spend time with me, and perhaps, one day, we will grow a bond that will allow us to simply enjoy each other's company in the most mutual, comfortable and comforting way. There is nothing more true and pure than being able to have comfortable silences with a friend, even from a distance.
My dear old friends who know me inside out, I miss our comfortable silences. I also miss being able to be different from you without compromising our trust in each other. I miss feeling needed and never having to come up with an excuse to see each other. I miss being with you because you enjoyed my company, laughing hysterically together, exchanging thoughts and ideologies while savoring new flavors together for hours without looking at the time. I did not realize how scarce this type of exchange would become as I grow older, and as people are more weary of their time spent...Because never before I would have thought someone would not want to come see me because they weren't in the mood for what I was about to cook for them, when it was really all about spending time together in the first place...
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